My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
