So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
