How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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