I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
