no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
