I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
