some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
