Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
