update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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