I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
