Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
