yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
All I want is dick and wine.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
