if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize