matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
