but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
