my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
