i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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