She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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