It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
