bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
