The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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