Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
