im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The cops high fived after they tackled you
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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