Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
