I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There's always time for handjobs
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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