his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just cropdusted the office
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Green mimosas i think yes
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
