Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
