Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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