your room smells of hookers.
And success
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
