Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
