That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
