I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
