the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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