Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize