You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
