I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
