If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
