You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
