Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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