Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
