Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
