Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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