im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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