I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize