i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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