On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize