I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
