omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
