I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
