no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
