i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
