ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize