guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
