This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
