Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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