I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
