mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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