woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
