Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
